random stuff

So, it's almost 12:30 a.m. and I am tired...but I just can't bring myself to go to bed. I have been thinking so much about my life in general. Completely random, I know.

So many things that I wish I had said or done, and even more that I wish I hadn't. Things I need to work on in my life. Things I need to work on in my home, lol. Weight I need to lose. Habits I need to form. All these things have been on my mind.

I miss my close friends. Most of them are hundreds of miles away. God brings different people in and out of our lives for a reason. I wish I knew why.

I miss my baby girl. I wish she was here with me, right now. I wish I knew why she's not.

I have a few regrets, I think that's normal. For the most part, I am completely content with what I have. I have a loving husband, an adorable and sweet little boy, a precious little girl that I have beautiful memories of, a kind and caring family, possessions that I don't need but God has blessed us with, a nice warm apartment that is filled with love, and caring and supportive friends.

No matter what random things come into my head, I can never forget the blessings that God has given. I am truly thankful that even in my darkest hour, I can cry to Him and He answers.

So much for my jumbled thoughts. I am getting sleepy now...

Long time!

Wow, haven't written in here in a long time. Not much to report, I guess.

Nate is almost 2 1/2 years old, he is growing so fast. Not saying a lot of words yet, but trying. We can understand key words and phrases that he's trying to say. He's not potty trained yet, that is a work in progress. He is so sweet, kisses and hugs us all the time, and loves to cuddle with us. He's so bright and creative, and makes me laugh every day. I'm so thankful for my little man! :)

Matt and I are doing well. I love my husband so much and am so thankful for him every day! Of course there are times where we have arguments, but they never last very long...he puts up with me!

I am trying so hard get organized...I am not a very organized person to begin with so I'm working on it! I am contemplating getting a preschool curriculum to work on with Nate, so that way our days are more "structured" and he learns what he needs to. I am trying to keep up with housework...anyone that knows me well knows that I am NOT a very good housekeeper but I am trying to do better. I know it is important anyway, and Nate is now at the age where can help me pick things up, keep his toys in his toy bin, etc. I know that if he doesn't see mommy do it, then he won't want to either.

That is pretty much it. I do have some drama in my life but I am trying to not be so stressed out about it, since there's nothing I can do about it. My new motto, thanks to my step-MIL, is this:

I can only control myself.

It may not sound like much, but it actually is a very deep thought...

It's been...

4 months since the day we said our last goodbyes to Emmaleigh...the day of her memorial service.

I miss her so much...

Why can't I get over this? Why am I so depressed?

Sometimes life sucks...

Thoughts

Not sure where to begin, my thoughts are all jumbled up right now.

Genetic tests results came back; they were not what we were hoping for. We passed on the gene to Emmaleigh, so any future pregnancies have a 50% chance of HPE happening again.

I thought I really wanted another baby. But I think what I really want is Emmaleigh back. Of course I know that's not going to happen. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

We have various options, of course. We could be foster parents (not very high on the list), we could adopt (how are we going to afford that?), we could trust God and try again (which is easier said than done), or we could just be thankful for the precious gift we already have (Nate, or course!). So many couples would be thrilled with just one baby. I have to remind myself that there are women out there who have it harder than I do and I need to be thankful for what I have.

Nate is such a happy boy. He is so loved and I am so blessed to be his mommy. One of things I do now is to rock him to sleep. He never used to let me, but lately that's what he wants. He just lays his head on my shoulder as I rock him to sleep. It is those moments that I cherish. The temper tantrums and the whining will pass, but the sweet moments will pass soon too and I realize I need to focus on him and not on me. It is hard to watch my baby grow up. Kind of bittersweet in a way.

I have never experienced infertility problems. I don't even want to pretend that I know how that feels. But, I have experienced empty arms, and it breaks my heart that so many women suffer. One thing that Matt and I have been talking about is being a surrogate. There is nothing wrong with me physically, I can still have healthy pregnancies. I love being pregnant (which may sound weird). What better gift to give someone than the gift of life? The baby would not genetically be related to us at all, I would have to go through IVF. I know some are skeptical and don't think it's a good idea. But in the end, all that matters is what we think. I don't know if we will do it for sure. If we did, it wouldn't be right away. But I hope that if we do, we would have the support of our friends and family.

Burns Look-alike Meter

Well, I guess I've solved the debate once and for all:

MOMMY LOSES!

So sad, I really thought I would win. But apparently my son looks more like his father.

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Free family tree - Genealogy software

Trip to the Zoo

Yesterday we went to the NEW Zoo in Green Bay with Grandma. It was Family Day so everyone got in free (woohoo!). We had so much fun! But we couldn't stay very long because it was starting to rain. We saw lots of animals.


We saw lions...

and another lion...

I think this is a crane but I'm not sure...

A baby moose...

And a mommy moose!...

Nate looking at another moose...

And the monkeys!

Emmaleigh Ann

It has been 4 weeks since the passing our precious daughter Emmaleigh. She would have been 5 weeks old today. I thought I would take a moment to post some pictures of her.

At our 20 week ultrasound, our baby was diagnosed with Holoprosencephaly (HPE), which is a condition where the 2 lobes of the brain do not separate. We were told that this condition was not compatible with life. We were heartbroken. We were told that the specific type that she had was Semi-Lobar HPE, which is the middle of the three types. We were hopeful, as we had been in contact with many parents who have children with this specific type, that were doing well.

Emmaleigh was born on May 2, 2008, 8 days after her due date. She just didn't want to come into this world! She was 6 lbs 7.8 oz, and was 18.5 inches long. The next day, a CT scan came back with the diagnosis of Alobar HPE, which is the most severe type. Our hearts sank, because we knew what that meant. Most babies with this type usually do not even survive birth.

May 9, 2008, at the age of 7 days, Emmaleigh was born into heaven. She will always be our little angel.

View a slideshow of her pictures set to music at: http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewshow.html?fl=2972707&alb=0