Not sure where to begin, my thoughts are all jumbled up right now.
Genetic tests results came back; they were not what we were hoping for. We passed on the gene to Emmaleigh, so any future pregnancies have a 50% chance of HPE happening again.
I thought I really wanted another baby. But I think what I really want is Emmaleigh back. Of course I know that's not going to happen. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.
We have various options, of course. We could be foster parents (not very high on the list), we could adopt (how are we going to afford that?), we could trust God and try again (which is easier said than done), or we could just be thankful for the precious gift we already have (Nate, or course!). So many couples would be thrilled with just one baby. I have to remind myself that there are women out there who have it harder than I do and I need to be thankful for what I have.
Nate is such a happy boy. He is so loved and I am so blessed to be his mommy. One of things I do now is to rock him to sleep. He never used to let me, but lately that's what he wants. He just lays his head on my shoulder as I rock him to sleep. It is those moments that I cherish. The temper tantrums and the whining will pass, but the sweet moments will pass soon too and I realize I need to focus on him and not on me. It is hard to watch my baby grow up. Kind of bittersweet in a way.
I have never experienced infertility problems. I don't even want to pretend that I know how that feels. But, I have experienced empty arms, and it breaks my heart that so many women suffer. One thing that Matt and I have been talking about is being a surrogate. There is nothing wrong with me physically, I can still have healthy pregnancies. I love being pregnant (which may sound weird). What better gift to give someone than the gift of life? The baby would not genetically be related to us at all, I would have to go through IVF. I know some are skeptical and don't think it's a good idea. But in the end, all that matters is what we think. I don't know if we will do it for sure. If we did, it wouldn't be right away. But I hope that if we do, we would have the support of our friends and family.
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