It's been...

4 months since the day we said our last goodbyes to Emmaleigh...the day of her memorial service.

I miss her so much...

Why can't I get over this? Why am I so depressed?

Sometimes life sucks...

Thoughts

Not sure where to begin, my thoughts are all jumbled up right now.

Genetic tests results came back; they were not what we were hoping for. We passed on the gene to Emmaleigh, so any future pregnancies have a 50% chance of HPE happening again.

I thought I really wanted another baby. But I think what I really want is Emmaleigh back. Of course I know that's not going to happen. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

We have various options, of course. We could be foster parents (not very high on the list), we could adopt (how are we going to afford that?), we could trust God and try again (which is easier said than done), or we could just be thankful for the precious gift we already have (Nate, or course!). So many couples would be thrilled with just one baby. I have to remind myself that there are women out there who have it harder than I do and I need to be thankful for what I have.

Nate is such a happy boy. He is so loved and I am so blessed to be his mommy. One of things I do now is to rock him to sleep. He never used to let me, but lately that's what he wants. He just lays his head on my shoulder as I rock him to sleep. It is those moments that I cherish. The temper tantrums and the whining will pass, but the sweet moments will pass soon too and I realize I need to focus on him and not on me. It is hard to watch my baby grow up. Kind of bittersweet in a way.

I have never experienced infertility problems. I don't even want to pretend that I know how that feels. But, I have experienced empty arms, and it breaks my heart that so many women suffer. One thing that Matt and I have been talking about is being a surrogate. There is nothing wrong with me physically, I can still have healthy pregnancies. I love being pregnant (which may sound weird). What better gift to give someone than the gift of life? The baby would not genetically be related to us at all, I would have to go through IVF. I know some are skeptical and don't think it's a good idea. But in the end, all that matters is what we think. I don't know if we will do it for sure. If we did, it wouldn't be right away. But I hope that if we do, we would have the support of our friends and family.

Burns Look-alike Meter

Well, I guess I've solved the debate once and for all:

MOMMY LOSES!

So sad, I really thought I would win. But apparently my son looks more like his father.

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Free family tree - Genealogy software

Trip to the Zoo

Yesterday we went to the NEW Zoo in Green Bay with Grandma. It was Family Day so everyone got in free (woohoo!). We had so much fun! But we couldn't stay very long because it was starting to rain. We saw lots of animals.


We saw lions...

and another lion...

I think this is a crane but I'm not sure...

A baby moose...

And a mommy moose!...

Nate looking at another moose...

And the monkeys!

Emmaleigh Ann

It has been 4 weeks since the passing our precious daughter Emmaleigh. She would have been 5 weeks old today. I thought I would take a moment to post some pictures of her.

At our 20 week ultrasound, our baby was diagnosed with Holoprosencephaly (HPE), which is a condition where the 2 lobes of the brain do not separate. We were told that this condition was not compatible with life. We were heartbroken. We were told that the specific type that she had was Semi-Lobar HPE, which is the middle of the three types. We were hopeful, as we had been in contact with many parents who have children with this specific type, that were doing well.

Emmaleigh was born on May 2, 2008, 8 days after her due date. She just didn't want to come into this world! She was 6 lbs 7.8 oz, and was 18.5 inches long. The next day, a CT scan came back with the diagnosis of Alobar HPE, which is the most severe type. Our hearts sank, because we knew what that meant. Most babies with this type usually do not even survive birth.

May 9, 2008, at the age of 7 days, Emmaleigh was born into heaven. She will always be our little angel.

View a slideshow of her pictures set to music at: http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewshow.html?fl=2972707&alb=0

Trip to Grandma's House

During a recent trip to Grandma's, we had a lot of fun.



Nate enjoyed riding his tricycle. His legs are ALMOST long enough!

He also enjoyed going down the slide at Uncle Jason & Auntie Jess's house.

















He played with his cousins too, and had soo much fun with them!

I'm trying to figure out how to upload a video of them on the swings. I know how, but my file size is too large, so I have to figure out how to make it smaller...

Sick!

Today, I am sick. I think I might have the flu. Or food poisoning, I'm not sure. All I know is that it is NOT fun!

Alas, didn't do a whole lot today. I picked a bunch of junk off the living room floor, so we were able to vacuum. I also swept the kitchen floor today, woohoo! :)

Not much else happening. Matt took some new pics of Nate today, so when I get them uploaded I will post them here.

Cleaning!

I HATE cleaning! Alas, but it must be done eventually, lol. I cleaned the kitchen today. Tomorrow I must work in the living room. And eventually, I must tackle the 3rd bedroom. I suppose it must be done sooner or later. I mean, we've only been in this apartment for a year! :)

Nate was a very good boy today. He was mostly content to draw on construction paper in his high chair (with snacks, of course!), then he played in the living room. With Alvin and the Chipmucks too. :)

Boy, I am tired! Guess that's why I don't like to clean, lol!

New Pictures

I thought I would try to post a few pictures to see if it would work.

This is Nate giving us a look. He gives this look often. He is very mischievous.

Look at those gorgeous dimples!

Posing for Daddy while he's playing outside.

He just got out of the bathtub. Look at those curls!

Blah

I feel so tired. I do sleep, but it's obviously not very good sleep because I always wake up tired. I must be emotionally exhausted too.

I don't even know why I am writing this. I really don't have a whole lot to say.

I want another baby. We have to wait 3 months for the genetics test results to come back. Hopefully the cause was completely random. Otherwise, if it is genetic, then we will have a 50% chance of this happening again. And I can't do this all over again.

I know I should be thankful that I have at least one healthy child. And I am, don't get me wrong. But that fact alone does not take away the pain of losing a child, or even lessen it. I have had well-meaning people tell me, "Well at least you have a healthy son." "Well you are young, you can always have another one." Please don't tell me that. I already know that. I know they mean well, but really, it just makes me more upset.

I need to go eat a cookie.

Obituary

Emmaleigh Burns

APPLETON - Emmaleigh Ann Burns, infant daughter of Matthew and Teann (Yantis) Burns of Appleton, was born Friday, May 2, 2008, and went safely into Jesus' arms on Friday, May 9, 2008, surrounded by her loving parents.

Emmaleigh is survived by her parents; a brother, Nathaniel; grandparents, Patricia Yantis of Watertown, Michael Yantis of Marshalltown, Iowa, Kellie Burns of Oshkosh and Barry (Amy) Burns of Milwaukee; great-grandparents; aunts and uncles, Jason (Jessica) Yantis and their children, Ethan, Lily and Elodie, Kaitlynn Burns, Phillip Burns, Sarah Burns, and Jestine Langlas.

She was preceded in death by an uncle, Michael Burns.

Memorial services will be held at 10 a.m. Saturday at Calvary Baptist Church, 2101 Green Bay Road, Kaukauna, with Pastor Robert Spurgeon officiating.

Friends may call at the church from 9 a.m. Saturday until the time of the service.

Verkuilen Funeral Home & Cremation Services 101 Canal St. Little Chute

Missing Emmaleigh

I miss my baby girl. I just want to hold her again. She had the softest skin, the most perfect little hands and feet, and the most beautiful dark hair. She felt so right in my arms. Now I feel empty.

Yesterday when we went to the mall, I saw a mom with her newborn baby girl. I felt so jealous when I saw them sitting there.

Yes, I have another child. But he will never replace the love I feel for Emmaleigh, or fill the hole that is in that part of my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly. And it's not about loving one more than the other. It's just a different kind of love. They're both precious to me in their own special way.

I just miss her.

Picture slideshow

Here is the link to the slideshow of Emmaleigh. It has music too, so turn the sound up.

http://www.photodex.com/sharing/viewshow.html?fl=2972707&alb=0

The hardest day of my life

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life. We took our precious Emmaleigh Ann off of life support. She passed away at 11:58 am.

We had a wonderful hour with her, without the tubes, just being able to look at her beautiful face and spend precious time with her.

I am just heartbroken. I love her so much. I know that love is letting go, but I still can't believe that we had to make that decision. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Thanks everyone, for all of your prayers and support. We appreciate it so much.

We had a photographer come yetsterday and took some pictures. Those are the only family pictures we will ever have. I will post some when we get them back.

What Makes A Mother

A mom on my support group sent me this poem. It describes exactly how I feel.

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say...

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson there is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realize
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.

How Mothers Of Special Children Are Chosen

How Mothers of Special Children are Chosen
Erma Bombeck, 1980

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of special children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of special children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes.

"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecilia. Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a special child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a special child a mother who does not know laughter?"

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles, "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect.

She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness?

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word. She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Mama' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Emmaleigh Ann

I realize that I haven't updated this in a long time.

We found out about 6 weeks ago that we are having a little girl. She has been diagnosed with Semi-lobar Holoprosencephaly. Basically that means that part of her brain didn't separate like it was supposed to.

We do know that she will be a very special baby. We don't know what the extent of her disabilities will be. I had an amniocentesis done to check for any chromosomal abnormalities, and it came back normal so that was great. Her prognosis is good at this point. However, there is a chance that she may not survive infancy. Due to the nature of this diagnosis, there is just no way to tell until after she is born. Holoprosencephaly (HPE) affects children very differently, depending on which part of the brain is separated. No two cases are the same. There are some children with HPE that do not survive, and some that do.

We are very excited to meet baby Emma. We love her so much already and she has blessed our lives in a very big way.

If you would like more information, please visit : http://www.holoprosencephaly.net/Category:Definition_Of_HPE

This is a website that was created by parents and has some great information that is easier to understand. It has been a great resource to us already.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.